Awake early again but this time for a good reason.

Got woken up early this morning from a really deep sleep. My wife heard a noise so I had to do my manly thing and go check the house. It turned out to be some dick head in his car playing his music really loud. It was 3.45am!! Can you believe that. Went back to bed to try and get back to that cosy place but it didn't happen.

My mind has been racing since then because I've got this urge to go out dressed in public for the first time without my wife with me. But the fear is equally as urgent. I really want to go to our local shopping centre and buy something and maybe sit and have a cuppa somewhere. But I'm put off by many things not least that it's half term and there'll be lots of kids about to start something or make fun of me.

It took me years to build up the courage and just go for it. I go out with my wife from time to time. I do get scared and I do feel guilty about it. I agonise over what will happen if I get outed by someone. As far as I know only 4 people know about my crossdressing. Two I don't have any contact with anymore and of the other two one is my wife. The other a female friend I'm not sure about. I think I told her in one of my low moments some years ago but can't be sure. The relationship between us chilled sometime ago after a bitter row and I have to accept that she may tell or may have told other people.

Walking out feels very natural and I love the feel of being out and the fact that poeple know I'm a crossdresser. As I said in an earlier post I don't look convincing and having people accept me for what I am feels so good. This is me when I built up courage to go for a walk on a bridge crossing the M25.

I suppose the more I dress to go out the more likely it will be that I get caught. It's inevitable isn't it. But I feel driven to be me and me is a crossdresser. I have no wish to become a woman, but just to be like one.