Awake early again but this time for a good reason.

Got woken up early this morning from a really deep sleep. My wife heard a noise so I had to do my manly thing and go check the house. It turned out to be some dick head in his car playing his music really loud. It was 3.45am!! Can you believe that. Went back to bed to try and get back to that cosy place but it didn't happen.

My mind has been racing since then because I've got this urge to go out dressed in public for the first time without my wife with me. But the fear is equally as urgent. I really want to go to our local shopping centre and buy something and maybe sit and have a cuppa somewhere. But I'm put off by many things not least that it's half term and there'll be lots of kids about to start something or make fun of me.

It took me years to build up the courage and just go for it. I go out with my wife from time to time. I do get scared and I do feel guilty about it. I agonise over what will happen if I get outed by someone. As far as I know only 4 people know about my crossdressing. Two I don't have any contact with anymore and of the other two one is my wife. The other a female friend I'm not sure about. I think I told her in one of my low moments some years ago but can't be sure. The relationship between us chilled sometime ago after a bitter row and I have to accept that she may tell or may have told other people.

Walking out feels very natural and I love the feel of being out and the fact that poeple know I'm a crossdresser. As I said in an earlier post I don't look convincing and having people accept me for what I am feels so good. This is me when I built up courage to go for a walk on a bridge crossing the M25.

I suppose the more I dress to go out the more likely it will be that I get caught. It's inevitable isn't it. But I feel driven to be me and me is a crossdresser. I have no wish to become a woman, but just to be like one.

Ever been caught?

I've been caught. It was a shock too to be honest. It was back in the day when I wasn't as brave as I am now and believe me I'm not that brave now. My wife is my backbone.

My ex-wife worked in London where we lived at the time. The company she worked for used to require her to visit a Printers in Bury St Edmunds on a regular weekly business trip. It just so happened that on the same day I had a scheduled day off and used to drive her there. She would spend all day at their premises and I would take myself off to the local woods which was Thetford Forest. I used to visit a picnic area which I believe was called Kings. I'd got into the habit of taking my girlie things with me and when parked up changing into them. As it was fairly secluded I would park up by the woods and walk a short way in. Never spending more than a minute or so out like this because of the fear of being caught.

On this occasion it was a very hot day and I had changed into my girly things which included a short mini skirt, fishnet stockings with black suspenders and short heels. I laid out on a towel and started to play with myself but couldn't relax because if another car came in I would be seen. I remembered that in the boot was a wind break so I put this up and between that and an open car door I felt safe. I started to play. It was such a lovely day. I looked up at the clouds and fell into this kind of stupor feeling the knickers, stockings and shoes with a little mini skirt. It felt so good and I wanted the feeling to last. So I came to the brink many times. I was so chilled out I then fell asleep. I wasn't sure how long I was asleep but woke up to a noise to find this guy standing over me playing with himself.

I panicked and just jumped onto my feet and rushed into the car and drove off leaving the wind break, towel and some other things behind. I was shaking as it was the first time I had ever encountered anyone while dressed. I drove around for about for an hour or so and eventually when my panic subsided I went back. No one was about but my things were still there. I quickly grabbed them and then left. It was sometime after that I reflected on this encounter and got excited about it. I went back many times but never saw the other man again.

I always laugh about it when I think that the other guy must have really freaked out too.

I've read some really startling stories about some being caught by bosses and wife and other family members and friends. Now that would really freak me out.

Colder and Windier

Further to this morning's blog we went to the coast. It was so much colder and windier than it was at home. I was wearing a red woollen shift dress, fishnet stockings, pink knickers and fishnet hold-ups with Mary Jane shoes. When I got out of the car I couldn't believe how icy the wind was. It was much cosier in the car. We got there about 10am which was late for us. Not many people about. I spent about half an hour walking about with my wife while she took photos.

Of course I had to wear a coat because it was so cold but when the wind blew the coat wasn't any protection. We stopped off while my wife went to some local shops and she brought me back a pair of red gloves to match the dress. When we got back to the car there was a car which was parked right next to ours. Two oriental men got out the car but didn't take any notice, or at least they seemed not to.

We then moved further down the coast and stopped in a car park and went for a another walk. It wasn't any warmer. It's so funny when other people are about because you never know what the reaction will be. I do get stares but most don't stare for long. We got a few more photos but didn't stay for long. In the car park  I met a man I had seen before and he said hello which was nice.

Looking forward to my next walk as I enjoy it so much. It's funny how I have a mixture of apprehension and exhilaration when out like this.

As you can see from the photos there isn't any mistaking that I am a man dressed in female attire. I don't pretend to be the perfect woman but just a man dressed enfemme.

Cold and Windy

I couldn't wait for the weekend to dress up. Yesterday started off a bit odd. I knew our car needed a MOT but didn't know the date. So while on the way to work I called my wife and asked her to find the Certificate and let me know the date. 5 minutes later she called to say it ran out on the 13th. That wasn't so bad until she added October!!!

So I've driving about all that time without a valid MOT. I would have to leave the car at work, but that meant no car for the weekend and no going out dressed anywhere. I don't feel confident enough to walk out from home fully enfemme. Anyway the upshot is that we've hired a car for the weekend.

As I said I couldn't wait for the weekend to be with my wife and to dress up so Friday night was the start of it but couldn't bring myself to dress up. It's a mixture of tiredness and guilt. I feel guilty a lot and wonder how other TVs cope with it. At a friends house some weeks back (another TV) we had a brief chat about the guilt thing. She said she had never felt guilt and while her wife was alive she had been fully accepting of it. Well my wife is fully accepting of it as well so what is the difference between us then? Well my friend came into crossdressing as an adult, but my earliest memories are from when I was 5 years old. So could it be that those early years of being imprinted of what a boy should and shouldn't do are the key to my guilty feelings? I'd be interested to know what your view is.

So Friday night was a wash out as far as dressing up was concerned but Saturday is different. The battle between the guilt and the compulsion to dress was won and I sit here wearing a Little Black Dress , knickers and shoes. I did my usual walk to the end of the drive but I rushed back inside not because of the usual panic about neighbours seeing me but because it is so cold and windy.

An online friend has been trying to get me so I'm waiting for her to contact me again. She told her wife about crossdressing and she didn't take it too well and although she has chilled somewhat he said it is still a sensitive issue. It begs the question though doesn't it that what is it that women find so difficult to accept? I would love to know. My wife accepted it almost without question so maybe I should start my investigation there.

My wife said I should dress up this morning and she'll take me for a drive to the coast. I've been there before and got out of the car and went for a walk with her for about half a mile. I managed on that day in daylight to stay away from the car and stay out in full view of the public for more than an hour and a half. When I look back on the experience I still can't believe I did it. Some people really stared but some to my surprise even said hello to us and it was a mixture of both male and female. The other thing to add is that as a Crossdresser/Transvestite, I don't look to good so it isn't like people will pay no attention to me. I really do look like a 'geezer in drag'.

I might post again later but for now I want to go surfing.

A nice opportunity before work

Up at 4am today, couldn't sleep. Didn't get home till about 10.30 after finishing late a work. So one of those days where I'm tired but can't sleep. Took the opportunity though to dress up for a while before getting ready for work at 5.30.

I'm wearing a little black dress, shoes and knickers. Still very dark outside so walked out the house while no one is about. I often do this. Just walk from the house to stand on the roadside. You get the odd car go by and I step back into the shadows. When I look back at my house and those of the neighbours I often think if anyone else is up watching me. Sometimes the thought scares me and I rush back and other times I think what the hell and so what.

Although it's not that cold outside I didn't stay out for that long. Only about 5 minutes, but just that little exposure does me so much good. Like so many other Transvestites I feel chilled. I'll have a good day to day because I'll be thinking that earlier today I was dressed up.

I've been thinking about going for a walk along the coast at some point. It will be a big thing for me as the walk I want to do is very public and it's about two miles. I'll have to buy myself some decent shoes to do the walk, but despite my efforts and those of my wife we can't find a suitable pair. I don't want flats but a small heel of about an inch but also a wedge shoe. I find them comfortable. Been looking for a pair of Mary Janes.

A typical short trip

I try to take every opportunity to Crossdress although to be honest I don't always fancy the idea. Typically when me and my wife take a short trip I dress up.

I will normally put on a girly top, short skirt, hold-ups and shoes and travel like this. The only make-up I use is lipstick. That's because it's easy to get it off when I arrive. I don't usually wear a wig. I wear a pair of earings that really can't be missed as they are hoops, sometimes a pink pair.

I suppose some of you would say that I wouldn't look that feminine looking like this but for me it isn't always about looking femme and trying to pass as a woman. More for me it's about being a man dressed in feminine clothes. I know I must look odd but it is me and it's who I am.

Sitting in the passenger seat up front I get plenty of looks. Wearing sunglasses helps me look to see who is looking at me without making eye contact.

When I arrive if there aren't too many people about I get brave and stand outside the car for a photo opportunity. My wife is very supportive in this aspect.

I'm still mainly in the closet with only a few people knowing what I am. Yes, like the majority of you I am worried about the consequences of being outed. I know one day it will happen and I will deal with it when it comes.

I have lots of questions, and lots of doubts too, about Transvestism and all its aspects. In future blogs I'll try to explain them. Some questions are obvious to those of us who have been through the dreaded 'purge' is why the hell do we do it? Why is there so much prejudice within the crossdressing community (I include transexuals in this without wishing to offend)? Why are we ridiculed by 'normal people'? Why are most transvestites so scared to come out of the closet? Is guilt a necessary trait for most of us transvestites. Who remembers the TV/TS club in Essex Rd, Shoreditch and then Liverpool Road? Who remembers Yvonne Sinclair?

I'm interested in pursuing some intellectual debate around these questions and more besides.